Get the hook

I know this will come as a shock to the country, but the President* of the United States is a dangerous moron. And he is going to get people killed in a particularly horrible way. He sat in the Rose Garden for a “virtual town hall” on Fox News, and he essentially pantsed himself before a frightened nation.

He wants the country “open and raring to go” by Easter, which is April 12. He compared the current situation (again) to our annual flu casualties and, more spectacularly, to automobile accidents.

“Look, we lose thousands — I brought some numbers here. We lose thousands and thousands of people a year to the flu, we don’t turn the country off — every year. When I heard the number — you know, we averaged 37,000 people a year. Can you believe that? This year we are having a bad flu season, but we lose thousands of people a year to the flu — we never turn the country off...We lose much more than that to automobile accidents.We didn’t call up the automobile companies and say, ‘Stop making cars, we don’t want cars anymore.’ We have to get back to work.”

Look, Biff. I can speak with some authority on this. On December 9, I got hit by a car. It has been three months now. Nobody I came into contact with in the aftermath has been hit by a car. Getting hit by a car is not contagious. If I breathe on you, or sneeze nearby, you will not then be hit by a car. Jesus H. Christ on a gurney, somebody get the hook. I mean, I thought I’d dodged the bullet of all time back in December. It turns out the president* is more dangerous than a car is.

  Esquire