Years ago, I had a themeless website where I collected and recorded things that interested me. I don't know what became of most of the stuff, but one thing I managed to save was a series of posts I wrote that I titled: "John Prine, You Wrote My Life."
In honor of John
I have no doubt John's songs have written millions of folks' experiences. These are mine.
John Prine, You Wrote My Life
a life unstuck in time (to borrow a phrase from Kurt Vonnegut, Jr),
so this story can go on and on in dis-order, added to at any time the whim (or need) arises
Chapter 13
Crooked Piece of Time©
---Bruised Orange
We were born too late, died to soon
Anxiety's a terrible crime
If you don't come now, don't come at all
'Cause it's a crooked piece of time.
It's a crooked piece of time that we live in
A crooked piece of time
All in all and all in all
It's a crooked piece of time.
"Well, you couldn't be more alienated," my first husband recently said to me incredulously when I suggested I thought I was right where I need to be. I thought that was a pretty interesting observation considering his own life, but I didn't argue, because I can still recognize important clues when I hear them.
He's not exactly right, of course, because I could be more alienated. And I expect to be. The thing of it is, I need to find what's in my own personal Area 51. That's a burning need, and a seemingly urgent one. I don't mind that the quest alienates me. I hate it that it sometimes causes others pain. And alienation actually seems to ameliorate that condition. Of course, it could just be that it hides the view. If I don't see it, it isn't there. Just like the homeless that are banned from your downtown area.
A woman I used to work with once complained about consumerism, saying that we have our needs confused with our wants. In my view, the difference between the two is only in degree. They're the same thing. I need what I want. That's how it works. If your body is dehydrated, the result is that you will want a drink.
That same woman said that, if the research is true stating that there is a bonding chemical which is produced during sex, and women produce two times more of it than men, it does not necessarily follow (as the same research claims) that the production of said bonding chemical answers the question why women are more likely to be sexually monogamous or "faithful", but rather, it could simply mean that a woman has to produce twice as much, or she'd never stay with the idiot.
What I like about that observation, other than the obvious, is that it's a clear example of finding the alternative explanation, and not simply settling for the one presented to you.
What disturbs me about that statement arises from the not-so-obvious reason I like it: Can I go on infinitely finding infinite alternative explanations to any question? And the answer, I think, is a most definitive YES! So why in the name of all that's holy do I continue to even ask any questions? What am I looking for?!
I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing stable in existence - nothing that can be called "true". And, I suppose that leads me not-so-gracefully into the quantum world, which must be the home of the fourth dimension - which is supposed to be the dimension of time, or, "imaginary space", as the theoretical physicists call it. Time is imaginary space. That ought to keep simple minds busy for a while. Well, long enough to decide they'd rather go back to abusing their children than to think about it at all.
This world is actually a virtual world, according to quantum physics. And according to me, as well. It's absolutely clear to me that we are players in a game - or movie if you prefer and are not particularly fond of games. The only problem with that is that in a movie, you can't break the rules, and in a game, that possibility does exist. In a movie, you can refuse to follow the script, but you will just be replaced by a more submissive actor. You will still be an actor, you'll just be an out of work actor.
So it is with the game. It goes on and the players in it as well. Therefore, the rule I am needing to break (all, right, wanting to break, if it suits you better), is the first one: Once you are in the game, you cannot get out until the game is over. And that is not about a personal or individual death. That is about the entire game. Similarly to being an out-of-work-actor, when a pawn is taken off the board, it is not really out of the game. Its presence in the game is simply represented by its absence on the board. The pawn does not go back in the box until the game is over. So rule number one says you don't get out of the game. The better you understand the rules, and the more enthusiasm you have for the game, I suppose, the easier it is to play. And, if you learn nothing else, you learn that being the king on the board simply means you are forced to play till the bitter end. At least the snatched-off pawn can sit on the side and take a nap.
And this game, though many are saying is in end game mode, and I agree, seems to me to be dangerously threatening to be at stalemate. Which means that the board is about to be reset, and the game will go on.
What's in my own personal Area 51? I think, the way out. I hope.
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